So it’s been a year since I wrote anything on this blog which makes me a bit of a lame sauce mom. An entire year has passed and now I am sitting here at the computer, trying to think over the shrieking and screaming (Bubba is watching Jurassic Park). Last time I wrote we were the Handful Family (as in, you can count all the members of our family on one hand). Now we are definitely more than a handful! What I didn’t know as I wrote my last post (a year ago) was that I was currently cooking up another kid. Not just any kid either. I was cooking up the Pork Chop (as we so affectionately call her). In December, Pork Chop (or P.C. for short) made her grand entrance into the world. If I would have been blogging through the pregnancy, I could have shared all kinds of funny and awful stories about my pregnancy which was nothing short of horrific… I also could have blogged about our brilliant decision to buy a house and move in to said house just a few short weeks before the Pork Chop came into this world… There are many moments I have not recorded for you to enjoy. But that’s okay! Thanks to my cousin Jenna, I discovered some new blogs to read that not only make me laugh hard enough to pee (which, let’s be honest, after giving birth three times is not that hard to do), but also inspired me to get back in to blogging. Jenna has a Handful Family herself, so she truly understands the need to have a few moments of laughter. One of these blogs, Rants From Mommyland has finally given me what I’ve been looking for… suitably foul sounding words to replace the curse words that I’m so desperately trying to quit using (yes, yes I know… potty mouth is bad. Especially when you watch Little Fockers and your 6 year old daughter asks what the movie is called and you tell her and she says “Little F**kers?”). Check out the Mommyland Desk Reference here for a list of amazing words you too can integrate into your daily freak outs.
Also, I am going back to all my other posts and editing out the actual names of my children, because I don’t want all you weirdos out there knowing my kids’ names. If you know me, then it should be pretty easy to figure out who is who, but let me just break it down for you:
Pork Chop: Newest edition to the fam. Rocks thunder-thighs and is known for spontaneously vomiting her recently ingested liquid lunch all over whatever I am wearing (at which point I strategically switch her to the other shoulder so I can have matching vomit stains).
Bubba: My three and a half year old. Also known as Monkey, Hubba Bubba and Crazy Pants. His charming new habit is to point to everything using only his middle finger. Recent accomplishment: burning a frog to death in our leaf pile. And he knew EXACTLY what he was doing because he announced to us “I want him to be dead”. Nice.
Short Stack (aka Princess or Bluebird): My oldest daughter who is 6 going on 23. She has been known to cry hysterically when her father or I make fun of Justin Beiber (“Is his name Justin Beaver? Justin Sneezer?” MOOOOOOOOM!! STOP PLEASE!!!!!!!!! That is NOT NIIIIIIICE!”) Most mornings for Short Stack involve her asking for the one thousandth time if she can just wear just a little bit, just a teeny bit, just some makeup to school puh-LEEEZ! It’s a pleasant surprise to see her at all since her room is a toxic waste dump and I am continually amazed at how she manages to dig her way out every day.
Sportie: My oldest son, the sport-head. He’s having some serious life issues right now and can’t decide whether he wants to play professional football, become a drummer, be a police officer or possibly join the military. Life is tough when you’re about to hit double didgets! Sportie spends most of his afternoons kicking his football as high as possible while narrowly avoiding nailing Short Stack and Bubba in the head with it thus bringing on the Wrath Of Mom (which usually results in the loss of said football for an undisclosed amount of time).
So that’s the fam!
Well, here’s hoping that it’s not another year until I post again… but, this is me we’re talking about, so let’s try and be realistic here! I will leave you with a link to the charming song “Did You See (Where the Cat Threw Up, Cuz the Cat Threw Up Again)? by Baron von Rumblebuss. We don’t have a cat, but if we did I imagine it would be the kind that would throw up all over the place.